Martha's Guide To Ass Kissing

Ass kissing: the quest for gain via flattery.

Everyone says they don't kiss ass, but then why do so many people complain about useless ass kissers? Either we're all liars or we're delusional egoists. Either way, it doesn't bode well.

Look, I'm not going to judge. Sometimes you need something. Sometimes the key to that something is guarded by another person who doesn't know you and isn't inclined to give a shit about you. Sometimes a million other people also want this same thing. Sometimes you need an edge.

Ass kissing doesn't have to be unpleasant for the giver or the receiver. Just follow these simple rules:

1.Be Genuine

Very few people are all bad. Even the douchiest of douches has a redeeming quality. Find it. Focus on it. Why resort to false and fake flattery when there could be something real to connect over?

2.Be Strategic

If you hear too much of the same thing, it becomes white noise. I'm sure that super hot guy gets to hear about how hot he is all the damn time. Find a new angle to hit. Or be more specific than everyone else - say something unexpected.

3. Be Sparing

A natural extension of the former suggestion. Don't overdo it. Say what you want to say, allow for one comeback, then walk away. When you hear something nice about yourself, there's this natural inclination to want to hear more of it so deny your target the continued flattery and they'll be putty in your hand.

4. Be Focused

By focused, I mean on the other person. Some people ass kiss by talking about themselves and how awesome they are and what they can do. Guess what. Ass kissing isn't about you. Studies have shown (read: I think I may have read in Cosmo years ago) that people think more positively about people who make them feel smart and funny than they do about people who are themselves smart and funny.

5. Be Natural

Ass kissing should roll off your tongue like declarations of love for Timothy Olyphant. So don't bother with stuff that doesn't come naturally to you. For example, I could never compliment a person's car. Because I don't give a shit about cars. Does your car have wheels? Good for you. You're not getting a medal for anything more.

Now go forth and practice. Everything takes practice. Even ass-kissing. And don't give me some line about how you're not an ass-kisser, because you're only saying that so I can go, "Oh, wow, that's so great, you're so amazing" which means you're asking for ass-kissing and if anything is worse than an ass-kisser is the person who needs their ass kissed.

And yes, I kiss my mother with this mouth.