Not So Pleased to Meet You, Derek Stone

by Sophie

NAMES

There aren't many aspects of writing on which I have a confident grasp - a sense that I do them right more often than I do them wrong - but naming my characters is one of them.

Not everyone agrees with me; readers and reviewers occasionally raise an eyebrow or toss a virtual tomato in my direction for a name they find clumsy. But 9 times out of 10, I'm pleased and even delighted by the names I choose.

The problem is that I have no idea how I do it.

Maybe it's presumptuous of me to think other writers might like to know my secret, but if there was a way for me to share my naming talent I would. In fact, there are a few authors out there who I'd love to send a plucky but well-meaning form letter:

Dear ______,
Next time you're kick-starting a new project, won't you consider giving me a call?

While you're certainly adept at _____, and I admire your facility with ____, I hope I'm not being too bold by suggesting you need a little help naming your characters. I couldn't help noticing that you named your last character ________, which is about as special and evocative as a can of chicken noodle soup.

All best regards,
- Sophie

(I threw in the compliments because everyone likes a little sugar with the medicine, and I can nearly always find something to like about a person's writing.)

Seriously, it stops me in my tracks when I'm reading happily along and run smack into a Derek Stone. Or a John Murphy. Or a Claire Johnson. Or any of a thousand bland, flavorless names that have been slapped on heroes and heroines who have so much more to offer. I imagine them in Fictionland, meeting each other at cocktail parties...they start out all confident and game-faced, since they're usually fantastically handsome/gorgeous, as well as tremendously fit and clever. But their cheery smiles slip a little each time they introduce themselves.

"I'm Allyssa Gray," a slightly embarrassed raven-haired beauty says, extending a perfectly-manicured hand to the tall, handsome man in an Armani suit (Armani! Why does it always have to be Armani!!), who blushes and mumbles "Jake Williams." Then all the sexual tension in the encounter evaporates as each assumes the other will be just about as exciting in the sack as their name.

Not in my world! My characters might not be stunning to look at, but when Stella's thoughts turn to love, she's got her choice of Goat Jones and B.J. Brodersen or even Jelloman Nunn, though he's more of a friend. Tell me that didn't just send your mind in interesting directions!

I've named characters Dot and Mud and Mo and ThreeHigh and Twister, and a thousand other things that just sort of popped into my head. Occasionally I have a little trouble with surnames, especially if I need a Polish or Irish name, for instance - as in my young adult - but I poke around online and on the spines of books and in my kids' school directories until I find something that catches my fancy. Kazmeircz Sawicki, the hero of BANISHED, got his name that way, as did Dor MacFall (AFTERTIME, 3/11).

Not long ago I blurbed a fantastic book (trust me on this - you're going to love PURGATORY CHASM by Steve Ulfelder), the hero and dead guy of which are named, respectively, Conway Sax and Tander Phigg. I loved this book so much that I did a bad thing - I sent the first page to a fellow author who I suspected would love it just as much as me, which I had no right to do since it's not published yet, but I couldn't resist. I anticipated a drooling exchange about the deftness of these opening lines, but what I got back was "Tander Phigg! Awesome name!"

That's what a terrific, unique name can do for you - catch the attention of even the most jaded reader. So why do people keep settling for boring ones? Beats me.

(One more comment on names: twenty years ago I was in a PayLess Shoe Store buying a pair of silver flats and the clerk runs my credit card and says to me "Sophie Littlefield? With a name like that, you should be a romance writer!" So, long-lost friend, wherever you are, many thanks...)