Technology: the bad, the good and the ugly

Maddee James is the owner of xuni.com, which designed and built this blog and a bunch of other cool author sites too! This is her first guest blog ever. Be gentle.
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You would think that guest blogging amongst the wonderfully talented writers here would be too intimidating, and um.... it is... but I figure if I keep my words to a minimum, what bad could happen? (which reminds me of a recent convo with my son... me: "Did you have a good day at school?" him, enthusiastically: "It was GREAT!" me, thinking he like met a new girl or got an A or something: "What made it so good?" him: "Nothing bad happened.")

Okay so anyway, technology.... Here's my take on it -- from TV to the internet to all important hair implements -- things I don't like, things I wish it did (!) and things I LOVE...

THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY:

1. TV: just say no.



Okay so one night there weren't any new forensic shows on so I turned to Fatal Attractions on Animal Planet. And there was this story about a woman who had raised a chimp from babyhood and he suddenly went beserk and attacked her best friend. No, I am not kidding. The YouTube story is here. Just hours after her friend is MAULED (and I mean permanently disfigured!), the woman says: "I would do it [raise the chimp] all over again if I could." Um, hello? That chimp just ATE HER FRIEND'S FACE OFF.
I swear I'm never watching late night TV again.

2. PayPal.



See that guy relaxing in his chair 'cause he loves the ease of PayPal? That would not be me. I know I shouldn't admit this but I can't figure out how to get the money OUT of there. People have paid me that way for like two years and I have never once taken money out. I have no idea how much I have in there. It's like the black hole of money.

3. The ability to watch movies in the car.



We drove to Santa Fe this last weekend. My son was glued to his mac laptop watching Pirates of the Caribbean which admittedly has some good scenery but look what he missed outside:



4. Researching how to murder someone is now easy as pie!



I admit it -- I watch too many forensic shows. But come on now people, don't you realize that if you google how to kill someone with rat poison, stockings around the neck, or an ice sculpture THEY ARE GOING TO CATCH YOU? Erasing your browser history does not matter. THEY WILL CATCH YOU. And by the way, the ways to avoid getting killed are very clear if you watch enough of these shows like I do: DON'T GET MARRIED (it's always the spouse) and DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL (oh the idiotic things people blame on being drunk).

5. match.com



Need I say more?


THINGS I WISH TECHNOLOGY COULD DO!:

1. Turn the heat on in my cottage when I forget.



We have gone out of town more than once and come home to DEAD PETS. Not the dog, thank god.



(Zeke says thanks mom. is he not the cutest pup EVER?)

But we've frozen fish and even birds (sorry Mario and Margarita).

Which brings me to the next thing I would LOVE it if technology could do...

2. Make it stop $%&#* snowing!



Yes, this is our cottage. Now honestly, they seed clouds to make rain, right? Good technology for drought! So why can't they MAKE IT STOP (this from someone who woke up to 8 inches when she was in a tank top just yesterday!).

3. Stop me from eating BBQ potato chips.



(no that is not me; I would never wear pink)

4. Keep me from running out of gas in the middle of freaking nowhere.



Oh yeah there's a technological gas gauge thingie! Guess that was my fault.

5. Cell service no matter where you are.



I know you ALL want this one! Plus the cute blonde girls abducted by creepy wingnuts on the crime shows would always be able to call the cops from the locked windowless room in the dank cellar of the remote cabin in the dark woods at the end of a single-lane road along a forgotten highway.


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT TECHNOLOGY!:

1. My hair straightener.



This has to be number one. Amazing technology. Changed my life. Enough said. (except that that is not me either. Swear to god.)

2. My daughter texting me during Chemistry.



I know, a lot of mothers wouldn't like this but I totally do. If I need to ask her something in the middle of the day, I can! (sorry Ms. McFadden)

3. Email.



I will never forget the moment (1996?) my husband (at the time) got an email for me on HIS email address and him saying: "Don't you want to get your own email address?" and I said (yes I SAID THIS!!): "I don't see why I would."
I. Don't. See. Why. I. Would.
OMG!! Email is my life.

4. My job.



This should have been number one, of course. I have the BEST JOB in the world. And it's all 'cause of the internet. I have clients all over the world (New Zealand, China, Ireland, Germany, New Jersey (hi Brad -- I know you're reading this!) -- SO COOL!) -- and this couldn't have been possible without the internet, high speed connections, email... the list goes on. Thank you gods of the universe, and all my fabulous clients.

5. and last but not least.... GLEE on demand!!!!!!



If you are one of the few who haven't seen this show, you are MISSING OUT!! (the above is a scene where the Glee kids join in song with the deaf (!) glee club they're up against. Normally I love this show for the laughs (OMG Jane Lynch is HILARIOUS!) but this scene brought me to tears)

Now what things do YOU wish technology were capable of?

- maddee